Vampires Are Better Than Humen

You probably know vampires. Those mysterious human-like creatures who live on people's blood.
- The way to keep them away from you is to hang lots of garlic cloves in your house. It shows how classy vampires are. Do you want to smell like garlic?No; neither do vampires.
-If you see a vampire you need to expose a bible or a cross to him/her. This stops the vampire to get closer to you. It shows how vampires are respectful toward people’s religious beliefs although they don't believe in God.
-If you want to kill a vampire you need to hammer a wooden knife into his/her heart. It shows how soft their hearts are that a wooden knife can tear them.
-Transylvania has been home to many vampires for thousand of years. It shows how they value their family, relatives and friends that they want to live close to them.
-A vampire never buys a new house or mansion. They don't want to by houses while they don’t make any money. So, they don't contribute in increasing the number of toxic assets. They prefer to live in their predecessor’s mansions from thousands of years ago. Do you know any human who can live in such old mansions with least construction standards? No internet or even electricity? Can you imagine that you cannot check your facebook ten times a day? additionally, you have to repair your old broken mansion every weekend. Painting and repairing corroded plumbing system to name a few. But vampires do all these. You know why? Because they are hard-working creatures.
What does people do to vampires? they kill them because they suck their blood. About a century ago, people even used to buy Vampire Killing Kits including garlic, wooden knives, some crosses and a bible. Some of these kits had pistol too just in case. You know how much the kit above costs now? 14,850$.
It’s worth mentioning that vampires are not ugly. It's how corporate media picture them to serve companies producing vampires killing kits and related products. Below is a sexy vampire for your consideration. No plastic surgery or fake boobes. Entirely natural!
My question is:
For vampires, human blood is tied into their very existence. In a world where we kill each other for less convincing reasons, Why should we hate vampires? Besides, have you ever heard a vampire commits homicide?

I missed the old James Bonds

I’m not a fan of James Bond movies but I have almost watched all of them! Why? Because watching James Bond is better than chick movies when you don’t have more options.
Have you seen the new Bond? The main difference between this guy and other Bonds is his soft feelings! After all these years, James Bond has become a shy guy who doesn’t want to have sex with every woman in the movie. He is even capable of falling in love with them! And to me, he doesn't seem to be very smart either.
I think this Bond is the only one who might go to heaven!

How did you spend your Halloween this year?

Halloween is one of those days that I don’t know what to do. I don’t like to wear silly costumes or even come up with something simple on my own. It just doesn’t attract me! On the other hand, staying at home while everyone is partying doesn’t feel good either. So, here comes the dilemma. I ask myself every year: Does it worth going out with a bunch of crazy strangers shouting on streets? , Or, do I want to stay home and enjoy a relaxing time without all Halloween headaches?
For me Halloween is like “chahar shanbe souri” night in Iran. I had the same problem there but I had no choice but to go out. Why? Because in Iran people have fun by exploding sound bombs on streets! And every year, lots of injuries happen. So, even if you choose to stay at home there is no relaxing time. Every minute the sound of loud explosions disturb you. So, there are two choices available: Going out in the crowd and try to enjoy your night because you can’t stay home, or, go out of town to a quiet suburb which, by the way, I never had the opportunity to do so.
Since Halloween is much friendlier than Iran’s “Chahar shanbe souri”es, I have always chosen to stay home! It feels so good when I watch the news about how people went crazy on Halloween, how many were arrested, huge traffic and anxiety over finding a good parking spot,….
It’s too much headache for such a silly night. So, whenever you want to go out for Halloween ask yourself: Does having fun just for one night with all these headaches really worth it? Be honest and don’t feel embarrassed if you choose to stay home! You are not getting old, you are getting more mature :)
P.S. I don't know while woman's costumes are always nice and sexy, all man's costumes are ugly. This can be another reason for ugly people like me to avoid Halloween!

American Dad new episode: a funny version of Mulholland drive and Lost highway

After Family Guy, my most favorite TV show is American Dad. It's about Steve, a C.I.A employee who is a typical shallow American dad with lots of patriotism and stupidity. His wife is a typical dumb blond woman. Their daughter is a hippy-like girl who is always fighting with her family over liberalistic issues. Son is a geek who suffers from lack of social skills. Additionally, they have a alien living with them who was found by Steve in a C.I.A. lab accidentally, and a gold fish with thick German accent.
My favorite character is the alien named Roger. He is so mean, self-centered, and always looking for ways to hurt people. He is also very passionate about being a movie star. Moreover since he should be at home most of the times so that C.I.A doesn't find him, he has developed a drinking problem to overcome his boredom.
In this episode, Roger finds himself having two characters. The scenes and the story is a mock copy of Mulholland drive and Lost highway of David Lynch. Very funny :).

P.S. 1) If you live out of united states, you can't watch this video here but you can check http://www.veoh.com/search.html?type=v&searchId=751116770802543423&search=american+dad for American Dad episodes.
P.S 2) As a matter of fact, I did not generalize American men or Blonds or Geeks. These adjectives apply to the characters of this particular show.

Iran's Winters, Dirty Sandwich Nostalgia and Mayer's Special Ice-smelting Recipe

Last time I went to Iran, I missed California for some reason. Especially its nice weather, sunshine, and cleanness. Have you realized how grey Iranians are? We like to wear grey clothes, buy grey cars. I think grey is the second most luxurious color for Persians after black. Now, imagine I went to Iran after three years during the coldest winter ever. Tehran's international airport (Imam) was covered with snow. There was only one lane open. The city was all dirty grey in addition to the cars and clothes for the snow. Every where I looked I saw filth and dirt. Tehran is only beautiful on the very first day of snow shower. Everywhere is white, a rare color on the streets of Tehran. Just a day after snow, everything is covered with dirt with a grain of engine oil and asphalt residues. The second you leave the carwash other cars take care of yours with some new grim. Add huge amount of salt the municipality uses to melt down the snow to the grim. Actually it's not salt; it's some snow-smelting recipe I suppose the Mayer found himself. No one knows what it is exactly! It’s like a mixture of dirt, sand, small stones with a grain of salt. He thinks salt is only for the taste of the mix! One year I remember they ran out of salt so they added some waste ground plastics and lots of needles to the mix!
Iran’s winters are the best time to eat. Especially when you're on vacation. Everything tastes great. The favorite part of my trip was what I call the nostalgic dirty sandwiches included but not limited to (!) "Ferry"'s royal and "Seeb", "Baharan"'s "Morgh-o-Maghz”, cold-cuts by "Hayda", "Tochal"'s "Vizheye steak", "Khaneh Kabab"'s roasbeef*, "Narenj"'s cheeseburger with lots of mayinaise on all of them. Don't forget Persian style pizza and pasta, “deezy”, momy’s special macaroni and “Loobia polo” :)
My advice: Before you plan your trip, see your primary physician to make sure you are in good health condition. Also, try to lose some extra weight to make room for the new fat :)

*Before I came to the U.S. I always thought roast beef was some kind of well-cooked beef marinated in garlic and onions and shredded on a piece of bread with lots of mayonnaise. The first time I ordered roast beef here in America, it disillusioned me big time. I still prefer “Khaneh Kabab” or “Park Sandwich” make my roast beef rather than Frank’s!

How to be famous in the Persian artists community out of Iran

Per your request!, here is my instruction in how to become famous in the Persian artists community. With the help of this instruction you can beat anyone regardless of how dumb you are.

1. Find anyone around you who has connections to famous or semi-famous artists. Remember, this is the first and the most important step toward your goal. Be as picky as you can and find people who you want to be alike. Being cool is very important and the group you hang out with defines your level of coolness.
2. Go to all arts events. Try to take as many pictures as you can with famous artists even if someone else is taking the picture. Put your pics up in your facebook page and the other pics will pop up from someone else's blog or profile.
3. Make comments on your pictures as soon as you publish them on facebook so that even friends of your friends can see them.
4. Add as many artists you know to your facebook profile. Don’t worry, they will confirm your friend request. They want to be famous as much as you do.
5. When you see the same artist that you took that picture with a while back, go to him/her and try to make a conversation. Don’t bother if they can’t remember you in the first place. In fact, lots of them recall you but it’s so uncool to recognize you right away.
6. Try to hang out with them in the second time as much as you can. Be creative. Buy them drinks, invite them to an after-party, ask them to attend that other art show, etc.
7. Always have some ideas about the show or event you are attending. It doesn’t matter how dumb your view is because almost nothing makes sense in arts. Just throw the words out using vague descriptions and ask them about their opinion too.
8. Try to make friends with reporters from Radiozamaaneh, RadioFarda, VOA and BBC Persian. Avoid talking to Guardian or New York Times people. They are fair.
9. Start being an artist yourself. Do you know how to play the piano? Good! It doesn’t matter if you barely finished Beyer ten years ago. Go find a piece of music that no one has ever heard of and read everything about it from the composition structure to the composer’s biography. Memorize the piece and have it always handy to play especially in private parties. If you are so dumb, you can always write. So, start a blog and with the help of your friends in Radiozamaaneh, Radio Farda or BBC you can establish your fame in no time.
10. Try to make a circle of friends. Always adore their works of art religiously. Think of it as a trade-in business. You adore their work, they adore your work and everyone is happy. On the other hand, when there is an opportunity, even if you are not qualified to take it, don't recommend your friends for it. Do you want your friends to be more famous than you? No!, never! they better be dead!
11. The last step is to keep up with the community. You don’t need to show up in every event anymore. Actually it’s not cool at all. But when you show up, try to be late and hang out in the waiting room or at the bar more than where the main even is going on. You need to provide other people an opportunity to meet you and continue their own dumb path of becoming famous.
    
    See how smart this plan is. So, give up trying to be a true artist to fit in this community my friend. It doesn’t work that way.

I love fast food

Image taken from: http://calorielab.com/news/2007/04/26/your-kids-dont-let-them-eat-fake-food/

I really like fast food although I don’t have it a lot. The good thing about it is that you don’t need to prepare anything ahead of time. You just have to decide and you’ll have it in less than 10 minutes, thanks to its growing business all around the world. And if you get it while you are going back home using the drive-through, it’s even better. Why? ‘Cause you don’t even have to stop your car and go to the restaurant. You just sit in your car; order what you want through the microphone without looking at the nice smiley tired face of the cashier. Then you slowly drive towards the pick-up window, pay and wait for a minute or two to get your meal in a “paper bag”. Your order is usually prepared more quickly than in-house guests. They don’t want too many cars waiting in the drive-through so that lazy people like me pass by their restaurant in search for a less-crowded fast food place. They don’t even bother you with asking to sign your credit card bill! And every card is accepted. Even your mean American Express which no business likes to deal with!
Have you got your food just now and you are starving? It’s O.K too. You can start having some of the handy parts of it, like the fries, while you’re reaching your destination.
Remember when you cook for an hour or more and after you prepare everything there’s a big mess in the kitchen? Three dishes, some cookware and spices residue all over the place? Well, there’s no such a thing when you have fast food. Just have your food wrapped in a paper or in a paper box and use the napkins and single-served sauces with it. No need to reach that cold sauce in the fridge or look for the salt shaker that only God knows where you left it last time. Are you enjoying it? good, keep on. You know what? Turn on that TV and watch some 80's comedy shows and laugh as laud as you can with the recorded laughing sounds! :)

After having your food with no strings attached, you drop all the trash in your food bag again. See how smart it is? You use the same bag as your garbage bag. You don’t have to use a dish or pick up the dirty napkins, the paper wrap and… separately and throw them into the garbage bin. Just put everything in the same food bag and throw it out. Now, look at your watch, it just took you thirty minutes at most from the decision making part till finishing the task!
So, next time, before you decide to cook yourself, think about it. Does it worth the try? How many dirty dishes and cookware you’re going to have? How long is it gonna take? Can you throw out the whole garbage at once?! And if you are a kind of person who becomes stuffed while cooking only by smelling the food, you really really need to quit cooking and start fastfooding.
Consider fast food seriously my friend. Oh, .. Are you worried about your weight and blood cholesterol? It’s not the fast food's fault, it’s because you don’t want to exercise. But if you have fast food, you save time for exercise too. O,.. wait, don’t forget that you’re being green by using paper bags and not turning on your inefficient oven. So, you’re making the world a better place for the children!

Friday love affairs

Yesterday, I saw a quote in the end of an email saying: “Thanks!, Plan for the weekend? Have a great weekend!” You know where it was? Right in the end where people usually put their contact info. The sender didn’t even bother putting her name in the end. It was kind of odd and refreshing. There is also a colleague of mine who’s always counting days to Friday starting from Monday! Everyday our first and sometimes the only conversation is like:
“Two days to Friday!”
“It’s almost Friday!” (On a Thursday)
“Friday!” (On a Friday)
“Today is my Birthday!” (On a Friday)
“Only one hour” (means there is one our left to leave the company on Friday)
And yesterday when the manufacturing chief engineer asked her what day it was, she answered Friday! (It was Tuesday actually). And while leaving work on Fridays she always advises me not to drink too much. It makes me feel like I’ve been imprisoned for five days and now it's time to drink and celebrate the two and half days of freedom. So imagine how compulsive you would be if you had such a person right beside your cubical.
Since then I’m appreciating weekends much more. I’ve realized how important- or sometimescrucial- it can be for some people, so I try to enjoy them as much as I can too.

Thanks! Plans for weekend? Have a great weekend! :D